


The Cracker

by parttimehuman



Series: Mercy's Crack Fics [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, I hope this teaches you to appreciate my usual English, M/M, Thiam, Wild Adventure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 18:45:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14721575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parttimehuman/pseuds/parttimehuman
Summary: Liam and Theo discover magic and a whole new world. Nothing makes sense.





	The Cracker

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TrashWrites](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashWrites/gifts).



> The only point of this crack fic is my amusement and to make the few people who will understand laugh! 
> 
> Also, I hope you all appreciate the effort I usually put into writing half decent English.

Dean´s life was far from being a ponyfarm. So far. He was the last remaining moose living in the woods of Rhineland Palatinate, and while it may not sound like it, that was a dangerous thing. It meant that he drew people´s attention on him all the time. He was known like a colorful dog. Far away from the siberian home of his ancestors, lost in a country with questionable traditions and a mother tongue that truly was the linguistic reincarnation of the devil, Dean had to fight a battle for his freedom every damn day. 

Luckily, the mighty moose was a clever one, highly capable of adapting to the challenges of his environment, and so he´d quickly learned to disguise himself. Now, whenever a human set foot in his part of the forest, all they would see was a fox, and foxes were nothing special. Foxes were being left in peace. Apart from that, as a fox, Dean could slip through holes and branches easily, plus he got a chicken here and there for dinner. So he was killing two flies with one clap, really. 

At the other end of the world, two dumbheads had once again managed to get in a fight. 

“God, Liam,” Theo groaned in annoyance, “would you leave the church in the village now.” 

Liam gasped and clutched a hand over his heart. “Fuck you, Theo. If you don´t love me, you can just say it.” 

Theo rolled his eyes until he remembered his grandmother warning him that they´d get stuck inside his head one day. “Don´t play the insulted liversausage just because I ate your cookie.” 

“My apple strudel cookie, Theo,” Liam added dramatically. “Apple strudel!” 

“You honestly don´t have all the cups in the cupboard,” Theo mumbled as he brushed off a few cookie crumbs from the front of his shirt. “It was just a cookie.” 

“You´re just a cookie!” Liam shouted after him. “You´re a buttcookie!” 

“Oh yeah?” Theo yelled back. “And you´re a fucking testiclegnome!” 

“At least I don´t eat other people´s cookies!” Liam said as he sat down with a pout on his face. 

“Excuse me?” Theo asked incredulously. He seriously couldn´t believe this boy. “I think I spider! Maybe not cookies, but you literally eat everything you get your hands on all the time, no matter who it belongs to.”

Liam gave him an annoyed look and didn´t bother to reply to the accusation. 

“He who sits in the glass house shouldn´t throw stones, you know,” Theo added with a raised eyebrow. 

“You fucking smartpooper,” Liam growled in response. 

Silence settled between them for a while. Liam was pretending to doze off on his bed while Theo rummaged through his room, in awe with all the unnecessary shit Liam owned, as always. 

“Fuck the hen,” Theo commented on one of his discoveries. “What the hell is this?” 

Liam knew that he would regret it before he even opened his eyes to throw a look at what Theo was talking about. 

“Aloha the woodfairy,” he said in surprise as he sat up on the bed. “I´ve been looking for that forever. Where did you find it?” 

“In your sow-shed, you animal,” Theo told him, “now butter by the fish, tell me what it is.” He held the plushed animal in the air between them. It was yellow with black stripes, had a weird looking sort of beak and castors instead of feet. 

“It´s a tigerduck,” Liam explained. 

Theo looked at him. Was that all? A tigerduck? How on earth was this explanation supposed to make sense to him? “Spit the toad, Liam,” Theo urged, “what in all seven hells is a tigerduck?” 

“Do you have tomatoes on your eyes?” Liam asked back. “It´s a duck with tigerstripes, obviously.” 

Theo was still standing on the pipe. “Is there some really well hidden meaning to it?” he wanted to know. 

“Actually yes,” Liam confirmed. “My aunt brought it from her trip to Europe when I was a kid. It´s supposed to be magical.” 

“Are you taking me on the arm?” Theo asked. Not that the answer wasn´t obvious. 

Liam sighed. Of course he was only shitting Theo, but he´d always been good at lying without turning red, he was truly washed with all waters in that regard, and other than his mother, he didn´t believe in lies having short legs, so he rolled with it. 

“The legend says that if you reunite the tigerduck with its lost soulmate, the frog, you can teleport to where they were separated,” he repeated the words his aunt had once told his seven-year-old self. 

“Let´s find a frog, then,” Theo smiled, taking Liam completely by surprise. He was supposed to get angry, or pissed, but not to play along with Liam´s stupid game. Liam wasn´t exactly used to Theo dancing after his whistle. It was too late to go back now, though, so Liam agreed. 

“Let´s find a frog.” 

“Ew,” Theo made when they were about to step outside through the back door and into Liam´s backyard. “It´s really muddy out here, and my shoes are new.” 

“Don´t get in line like the first human on earth,” Liam sighed. “Only the hard ones come in the garden. So are you a hard one or what?” 

Theo thought about the clean white of his new pair of Converses, but he would definitely not let Liam drag him through the hot chocolate like that, so he stepped into the grass, the tigerduck tucked under his arm. 

“I know where we should go looking,” Theo said excitedly. “The Hales have a pond on the property. Pretty sure that´s where the bear is tap-dancing in the world of frogs.” 

“The Hales´ property?” Liam gasped. “Are you left by all good ghosts? If Derek catches us, he´ll rip our heads off.”

“Do you have a better idea?” Theo asked with a challenging look in his eyes. 

“Not really,” Liam admitted with a shrug of his shoulders. “But you go in alone to steal a frog. I´ll wait with the tigerduck. It was your idea, it´s your beer. And if you let somebody catch you, I swear to you, Poland´s going to be open!” 

“Fine,” Theo sighed, “it´s not like I´m not used to you leaving me in the sting.” 

“Go where the pepper grows,” Liam mumbled as Theo had already turned away to fulfill his mission. 

Only a few minutes later, Theo returned to where Liam and the tigerduck were waiting in the grass, both his hands forming a round cage in front of his body. “I´ve worked it!” he cheered. 

“Be careful, or the stupid grin is going to fall out of your face,” Liam growled in annoyance over Theo´s quick success. “That was clearly a beginner´s luck.” 

“There truly is hop and malt lost with you, Dunbar,” Theo sighed, but kept grinning like a honey-cake-horse.

“Me?” Liam exclaimed. “You´re the one with no idea of hooting and blowing here!” 

“Are you done insulting me, dicksmurf?” Theo asked. “Because in that case we could finally bring those two coo-pigeons together and see what kind of magic they can do.” He removed one finger carefully to show the little croaking animal sitting on his palm to Liam. 

“Seriously?” Liam asked, examining it sceptically. “Not exactly a glory-exemplar, don´t you think?” 

Theo only shrugged. “Well, you don´t look into the mouth of a gifted horse, do you?” 

“I guess not,” Liam agreed, picking up the tigerduck and bringing it up to the frog in Theo´s hands. 

Of course, nothing happened. Liam already began asking himself why he´d gone through with this stupid act in the first place, since all good it had done was for him to stand in the middle of nowhere with wet socks and Theo Raeken. Awesome. 

But Theo´s thread of patience was a little longer apparently, and Liam fell from all clouds as tiny sparkles emitted from where the tigerduck and the frog were touching. 

“Fuck,” Theo marveled as the sparks became more and began blinding them. “This is making the dog go crazy in the pan!” 

And up went the mail before Liam could even react as well. There was light that they had to shield their eyes from, and then there was a loud bang, and then they fell to the ground onto their butts, the frog hopping away quickly. 

“Old swede!” Liam exclaimed in astonishment, looking around them and finding that nothing was the same as before, gaping bricks. “Now we have the salad!” 

“Where do you think we are?” Theo asked him, looking around but not recognizing the sort of trees growing everywhere around them. 

“I have no plan,” Liam replied. 

“Where did the tigerduck go?” came Theo´s next question. 

“You´re really starting to get me on the cookie,” Liam groaned, “how the hell would I know?” 

“Great, you fucking weetulip,” Theo snapped. He knew his words sounded harsh, but he was panicking, afraid that they would never find their way home. “Now how are we supposed to get out of here.” 

“I don´t know,” Liam shrieked, “but we should get out of here fast!” He was pointing at something behind Theo, his finger trembling, his eyes wide with fear. 

“Shit,” Theo pressed out as he scrambled to his feet and shoved Liam in the opposite direction from the beast. “Run!”

Dean was foxdevilswild as he chased the two stupid boys through the woods. He´d been shitting in his shirt when he´d found them, but the fear in the one´s eyes when he´d discovered Dean had given him the idea to go with the big bad beast thing so they would leave him alone. Sometimes, a moose had to do what a moose had to do. 

“Shit, have you seen that fox?” Liam panted as he was running like a lunatic. “It looks fucking scary!” 

“A fox?” Theo replied, irritation audible in his breathless voice. “That thing is a fucking moose, you fishface!” 

“It´s not, you stupid anal baron!” Liam shot back. 

Dean wanted to keep running, but the two crazy humans were simply too hilarious. They clearly weren´t the brightest candles on the cake to begin with, so he decided to let them off the hook and slowed down. 

“You guys really haven´t eaten the wisdom with spoons, have you?” Dean couldn´t resist making a comment. 

Both Theo and Liam stopped dead in their tracks. 

“Did the fox just talk to us?” Liam asked as he turned around. 

“Yeah, I think the moose did,” Theo nodded, his swaying look confirming that nobody else was around. 

“You know what,” Dean replied, still laughing about their ridiculous asses, “just call me Dean, alright?” 

“I think I spider!” Liam all but shouted. 

“We must be high or something,” Theo added. 

“Humans,” Dean rolled his eyes. “You all think you´re the cheese just because you stink, but in reality, you´re dumb like ten metres of a country road.” 

“Whoa, whoa,” Theo made, “keep the ball flat, would you?”

Dean sighed. At least these two idiots didn´t seem like the kind of humans to try and capture him to keep him as a pet in their backyard. “Don´t worry,” he assured them, “you have nothing to fear from me.” 

“Wow, we had pig there,” Liam remarked. “Would you tell us where we are?” 

“Oh boy,” Dean said, “you guys really are the cracker.” His accent was thick in his voice, the r´s hard and ugly like the sound of a chainsaw. 

“Welcome to the country of beer and wine and early birds,” Dean smirked, “you should try some lord-got-cheaters while you´re here. Oh, but whatever you do, don´t take the train. The saying that something is punctual like a train in Germany really is nothing more than saying.” 

“Fucking Germany?” Theo yelled. 

“Hey, calm, brown one,” Dean said, “it´s not my fault you are obviously dumber than bread.” 

“I apologize for these two,” a voice came from behind a tree. “It was me who brought them here.” 

“Sab?” Dean asked, falling from all clouds. He hadn´t seen his friend in years, had always thought she´d fallen victim to a fucking tourist who´d taken her and brought her to another continent as a gift for the woman´s nephew. 

“The one and only,” Sab answered with a warm smile. 

“My tigerduck!” Liam yelled, making stem-eyes at the yellow and black fur that now belonged to a duck that was very much alive. 

“Mouth closed, dummy,” Sab answered, “your heart goes cold.” 

“Pinch me,” Liam whispered to Theo, “I think I´m dreaming.” 

“You´re not,” Theo whispered back. “You actually brought us to the other end of the world with your magic tigerduck. I really drew the asscard with you.” 

“Tailpiper fucker, you,” Liam mumbled, “you better tell me how we get home.” 

“Home? I don´t know, old one,” Theo shrugged, “I´m kind of curious about those lord-god-cheaters now.” 

Liam gave him the mother of all facepalms. “Life really is no sugarlicking with you.”


End file.
